


A Schitty Sign

by DawnDust



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode s07e11 The Fight, M/M, Patrick Brewer loves David Rose, Stevie loves David Rose, everyone loves David Rose, except Roland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:55:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28841259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DawnDust/pseuds/DawnDust
Summary: Patrick tries to do something nice for David. It backfires on him.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer & Ronnie, Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & David Rose
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68
Collections: Schitt's Creek Season 7





	A Schitty Sign

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SCSeason7](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCSeason7) collection. 



> **Prompt:** 7x11 - The Fight
> 
> David is very vocal about his distaste for the new town sign Roland "gifted" to his parents when they left. But when Patrick goes to council (or maybe he's even on council?) about having it removed/changed without talking to David about it first, David is not happy about his husband's efforts to erase one of the only physical ties his family still has to the town.
> 
> Huge shout out to [FrizzleNox](https://frizzlenox.tumblr.com/) for betaing and helping me figure out how to end this!
> 
> This is my first fic in a fest and my second ever!! Hope you enjoy

________________________

“Patrick, _please.”_

“David, I already told you, I’m not going on this vendor run for you,” Patrick said, with a note of finality in his voice. He turned back to his computer. Patrick loved his husband very much but was also well aware that giving in would turn this into a slippery slope that would culminate in him going on far more pickups than necessary. Plus, David was good at this! Despite his prickly demeanor, he was much better at communicating with their vendors than Patrick, due to his years of experience working in art galleries. So, there was no real reason for David to insist that Patrick go instead. 

“Okay, fine, but just know that every time I have to look at that hideous town sign, I’m going to be blaming _you_ for it.” No real reason other than the town sign. Patrick could live with that. 

“I can live with that. Bye, David! Love you.” Patrick replied, eyes still glued to his computer. He wasn’t _actually_ doing anything right now, since he was technically on his OSHA-mandated break, but he knew David would see looking away as a sign of weakness, and he refused to lose this argument. 

David huffed, but muttered a ‘love you’ back, and shuffled off. Once the door closed behind him, Patrick sighed in relief and got up to stretch. He’d had this argument with David almost every week for the past month, and he was getting a bit sick of it. Maybe it was time to do something about it?

Patrick checked the clock and thankfully, he needed to wait just a few more minutes until he could close up for lunch. He felt a stab of guilt for forcing David to go on a vendor run before he could even have lunch, but David _had_ been delaying it for quite a while. He’d make it up to him by getting his favorites from the Cafe. While Patrick was there, he could also make a quick stop at Town Hall, and see if there was anything they could do about this sign. 

Mind made up, Patrick locked the cash register, dug out the Closed for Lunch sign that David had shoved all the way down to the bottom of their miscellaneous bin, and headed to the Cafe. 

________________________

“And you’re sure David _wants_ us to take it down?” Ronnie asked, brow wrinkled in skepticism. She had been asking him variations of this question for the past few minutes. Patrick was not going to let her know he was irritated, because that would mean that she was winning. He put on his best, most boy-scout-ish smile and nodded. 

“Yep! Considering that I’m his husband, and I both live _and_ work with him, I think that I would know.” 

Ronnie narrowed her eyes. Goddammit. That came out far snarkier than he wanted it to. It was just his luck that Ronnie was the only one in Town Hall today. He had turned around to leave when he realized it was just her, but unfortunately, she’d already seen him, so he’d been forced to tell her about the sign instead of Ray, like he wanted to. 

Ray rejoining the council after Moira’s departure had been a boon to Patrick. It had become much easier for him to get permits for all the different events Rose Apothecary hosted than when he had to deal with Bob and Ronnie. Both of them usually _did_ give him the permit he wanted, but first, he would be subject to Ronnie’s aggressive-aggressiveness or yet another story about how Bob was trying to win Gwen back. Ray would just smile, ask for advice on his newest business venture, and then give him the permit. He was a little chatty, but Patrick was fond of him and found him far more preferable than Bob, or Ronnie, or god forbid, Roland, when he deigned to do his job. 

“No need for that, Brewer. I was asking for your sake, but if that’s how it’s going to be, then....” Patrick held his breath. 

Ronnie side-eyed him and said, “I’ll discuss it with the rest of the council at some point.” At some point? 

Patrick knew he was pushing a bit, but he still said, “I appreciate that, Ronnie. But it would be nice to get some kind of date, or even a rough estimate as to when you’ll discuss it.” 

“When we get to it. Are you gonna be standing here all day? Don’t you have a store to get back to?” Ronnie went back to staring at the piece of paper she’d been holding this entire conversation. It was completely blank. She wasn’t even making an effort to hide that fact. 

Patrick was _not_ going to say something rude back that would make her reconsider discussing the issue at all. He was going to smile, nod, end this conversation politely, and then say rude things about her to David when he got back. Would David appreciate his wit the way he should? No, because somehow he was friends with this monster of a woman, but it was fine. 

Patrick managed to get through goodbyes without making too much of a fool of himself and went back to the store. He double-checked their inventory and answered the questions of the whole two customers that they had today. 

He was in the middle of figuring out the mystery of how they were still in business, when the doorbell chimed. He looked up to see David precariously balancing their newest batches of body milk in one arm, while attempting to get the door with the other. Although it was fun to watch David attempt to get into the store (he really _had_ been going to the gym), Patrick didn’t want to have a repeat of the Goat Cheese Incident, so he ran over and took a couple of boxes from David. 

Once they’d safely gotten everything inside, David turned to him and asked, “Patrick, why is Roland’s idea of a good parting gift a giant sign of my mother basically pegging my father? Why would he do that to me?” Yikes.

Patrick winced at that description. It brought up images of his in-laws that he did _not_ ever need to think about, but it was, unfortunately, accurate. 

“Really, David? I’m not even going to get a hello?” 

“Hello, love of my life,” David replied flatly. “I’m sorry for being a little traumatized after having my eyes assaulted by an image of my parents I have had the misfortune of witnessing before.” 

Patrick grimaced. “I love you so much, but please _never_ elaborate on that. I want to be able to look your parents in their eyes when I talk to them.” 

“Wish I could,” David muttered back.

________________________

Patrick had to wait two whole weeks before Ronnie got back to him. The email she sent him just had the appointment date and time, so he had no idea whether his request was going to be approved or not. It was during his lunch hour, which was surprisingly considerate of Ronnie, making Patrick instantly suspicious. 

“Hi, Ronnie! How are you doing?” Ronnie just stared at him until he started shifting uncomfortably. She was sitting at her desk while he was standing over her, so how was she still looking down at him? 

“I’ll get to the point, so I don’t waste your time.” She paused, pointedly, and Patrick’s cheeks heated. “The council is really hesitant to get rid of the sign, especially Roland, considering how much money he spent to have it repainted.”

Patrick nodded, disappointed. “So, it’s not going to be replaced?” 

Ronnie glared at him. “If you let me finish, I’d tell you.” 

“I didn’t mean to-” Patrick stopped, realizing that he’d interrupted Ronnie again. Why was he like this around her?

Ronnie slowly shook her head at him, but continued, “Roland said he might consider it, if David came to council and talked to him about it, personally.” Oh dear.

Patrick waited to speak to see if Ronnie had more to say. She just looked at her watch and sighed. 

Patrick hastily replied, “Okay! I’ll talk to him and send him your way soon.” 

“Were you not listening to what I said? He needs to talk to _Roland_.” 

“No, I got it. I meant your way, as in the council’s way, in general.” Patrick pressed his lips together. “Okay, thank you Ronnie, I’ll see myself out.” She grunted a goodbye in response.

Patrick kept it together until he stepped out of town hall. He then shoved his head into his hands. He really needed to get it together. Everything was fine. With some luck, he’d never have to interact with Ronnie again.

Patrick now had to figure out how to tell David that he would have to talk to Roland about the sign featuring his parents. It would be an understatement to say that David was not going to be happy about that. Patrick figured he should probably tell him over dinner that night, so that he could bribe him with food to cancel out some of the annoyance that would be caused by interacting with Roland. 

________________________

“You _what_?” David still had his mouth full of food, so his incredulity at Patrick’s statement came out more muffled than he had intended it to. He knew something was up when Patrick brought home his favorite (and only) takoyaki within an hour of Schitt’s Creek, but he assumed it was just going to be something about how they should be doing more social events because their store wasn’t doing the best. David had planned to whine and groan a bit before eventually giving in. That was their system. 

He had _no idea_ Patrick was going to drop this bombshell on him. Why did he think this was okay?

“I know, I know. I’m sorry that you have to talk to Roland. But on the plus side, you’ll never have to drive by that sign again!” Patrick had that apologetic, but confident look on his face that normally made David give in, but right now, just made him angrier. Patrick was acting like he _knew_ David would just go along with what he wanted, which was absolutely ridiculous. 

“So to recap, you went to the council, behind my back, asked them to remove the sign, behind my back, scheduled a meeting with _Roland_ , behind my back, and just assumed I’d go along with it?” Patrick looked confused as if he didn’t even realize that what he did was wrong. Did he really think David was that much of a pushover?

“Wait, so you’re mad about this?” Oh my god. 

“Obviously!” He wasn’t exactly hiding it. 

“I thought this was what you wanted! You’ve complained about that sign _every_ week!” 

“You didn’t even ask me what I wanted!” David threw his hands up in the air. “Why would you talk to the council without even mentioning it to me?” 

Patrick put his head in his hands. “I was just trying to do something nice for you, David. I didn’t realize you’d react this way.” What was _that_ supposed to mean? 

“I’m sorry, how exactly did you expect me to react? To thank you or something?” 

“Maybe, yeah! I had to talk to Ronnie _twice_ over this, and now you’re telling me you don’t want it at all!” Patrick was full-on yelling at this point. David was taken aback. Patrick didn’t usually get this angry at him. And what right did he have to be angry when he was the one who fucked up? 

“Patrick, I didn’t ask you to talk to her or do any of this!” 

“Honestly, David, I don’t understand you. You complain about _everything_ , and then when I try to fix something that’s bothering you, you’re gonna get mad at me?” David had opened his mouth to yell something back, but nothing came out. Was that really what Patrick thought of him? 

They both sat in silence for a few tense seconds. 

“I don’t complain about everything,” David said, subdued. 

Patrick scoffed. “Sure, David. I’m going for a walk; don’t wait up.” With that, Patrick got up and left, his food still left out on the table, unfinished. David’s stomach was filled with dread, so he didn’t have much of an appetite left either. He threw their leftovers in the fridge and began cleaning up to try and stop himself from spiraling. 

David was conflicted. On one hand, Patrick had no right to go behind his back and get rid of one of the few connections his family had left to the town. Yes, the sign was stupid and awful to look at, and yes, he complained about it a lot, but it was _his family’s_ sign in _his_ town. On the other hand, maybe he _should_ tone down his complaining. 

David thought Patrick knew that he just complained for the sake of it, sometimes. He didn’t really mean anything by it. Then again, Patrick did just say that he didn’t understand him. Maybe this was really David’s fault. Maybe he just needed to stop being so much. David took a deep breath and decided to text Stevie before he spiraled anymore.

________________________

“Yeah, this is like 90% Patrick’s fault.” Stevie and David were curled up on her couch, sharing a bottle of wine between them. Stevie had picked him up because Patrick had taken David’s car since his own had broken down yet _again_ last week. It was perfectly normal for Patrick to take his car to go on a walk or hike or whatever and it did not mean that he was going to run away and abandon him. David kept telling himself that, but his stupid brain still didn’t completely believe him. 

“Really?” After he explained what had happened, he had been bracing to hear something about how this was his fault, so he was surprised that Stevie was putting the blame on Patrick. 

“I like Patrick, you know that. But this is exactly like the time with Rachel, or the time with his parents on his birthday. You have got to talk to him about this, cause he can’t keep hiding things from you.” 

“I wouldn’t exactly say he was _hiding_ it, per se, because he did plan on telling me.” 

Stevie glared at him. “Okay, but you do get how this is a pattern, right?” He did. Patrick and David had talked a lot after that particular birthday party, and he’d promised to stop keeping things from him. And Patrick had been great about it, for the most part. 

David took a big swig of the wine and replied, “I feel like this is more like when I tried to throw him that birthday party and it backfired. He didn’t have bad intentions.” 

Stevie groaned in frustration. “David, I’m not saying that he had bad intentions, I’m saying that this was the kind of thing that he should have talked to you about from the start instead of trying to surprise you with it.” She paused for a minute, thinking.

“Did you tell him why you were so angry about the sign?” 

David shook his head. “I didn’t really get the chance. One minute we were eating, and the next thing I knew, he was out the door.” David knew that this was how Patrick dealt with conflict, but it really stressed him out. Patrick always shut down after an argument, and had to get away to ‘clear his head.’ David was used to shouting at people until they both got it out of their systems. That was how the Roses had always worked out things, so it scared him when Patrick would just leave without any reassurance that he would come back. 

Granted, he _had_ to come back, if only to get all his stuff. 

“Okay, so what are you going to do when I take you back home?” Stevie asked. 

“I don’t know, wallow in self-pity?” She punched his shoulder. 

“No, dumbass. Go talk to him about why it’s bothering you.” She paused, and then wrinkled her brow. “Why is it bothering you so much?” David stopped to think about it. Now that he’d cooled down a bit, he understood that Patrick was just trying to do something nice for him. But he didn’t want it. Which was strange, since he really _had_ complained about it quite a bit. 

“I think I just…I don’t want to lose one of the last physical ties my family has to this town?” David twisted his hands together. “They’re gone, Stevie. And I’ll kill you if you tell anyone I told you this, but I miss them. That stupid fucking sign just reminds me that things are different now?” 

Stevie had an uncharacteristically sincere expression on her face. David didn’t like that and was about to make a joke that would bring back her usual, “I don’t give a shit” vibe, but she motioned for him to go on, so he continued.

“Before we lost all our money, We’d all go months and months without seeing each other. Nowadays, we _still_ go a couple of months without seeing each other sometimes, and I feel like that sign is almost...reassurance? That they’re not gone for good and that they _will_ come back. I know it’s stupid.” 

“It’s not stupid, David. You lived together for _years_ and then, within a really short period of time, went your separate ways. It’s completely understandable that you miss them and see that sign as a reminder that they’ll be back. You just need to explain that to Patrick.”

David would have done that earlier if Patrick had given him the chance to! “What makes you think he would even want to listen?” Stevie punched him again, but this time, it was much harder. _Ow._

“Because he loves you, you idiot. It’s almost sickening to be around you two, sometimes. I don’t know how I do it.” David suppressed a smile.

“You’re so brave.” 

“Shut up.” Stevie retorted, and then pushed him off the sofa. 

“Stevie, this is couture!” David exclaimed, clutching his sweater to make sure it didn’t touch the ground. 

“I don’t care what material it’s made of, I want it and you out of my apartment.” 

David sighed. “You’re kicking me out already? Stevie, I’m having a marital _crisis_.” 

“You’re interrupting my alone time. I can’t even get drunk because I have to make sure I can still drive you back.” David pouted and crossed his arms, making no move to get up. Only because he didn’t feel like standing up and not at all because he was worried that _he_ had gotten too drunk and would fall over.

Stevie rolled her eyes. “David, go home and talk to your husband. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to solve this.”

David rolled his eyes but pulled himself up from the ground grabbing onto one of Stevie’s pant legs. She stood up as well, stretching like a particularly ornery cat, and looked longingly at the bottle of alcohol sitting on her sofa table. 

“Soon, my precious…” 

“Oh my god, stop being weird and drive me home.” David grabbed her hand and dragged her out the door, ignoring her protests. Stevie may be a bitchy townie with a drinking problem, but she was always there for him. David loved her. Not that he’d _ever_ tell her. It would just go to her head and she’d never let him forget it. 

________________________

Patrick was fuming. He had expected David to be annoyed about talking to Roland, but he had never expected him to object to removing the very sign that he had been complaining about for ages. Why was David so contradictory? If he’d had just been clearer about how he actually felt, this wouldn’t have even been an issue. 

He was also pretty embarrassed. Patrick had made a big deal about this to Ronnie, and now he was going to have to go back and tell her it was all for nothing. And now Roland was involved too, which was never a good thing for anybody.

Patrick sighed, looking out at the rapidly darkening view in front of him. He should probably start heading back down so he could get home to David before it got too late. Thinking of David worrying sent a stab of guilt through him. By now, he’d probably noticed the missing car and assumed Patrick was on a hike. By now, Patrick was very familiar with how David’s brain worked, so he knew David was probably also thinking up worst-case scenarios. 

Patrick started his descent and replayed the argument again. With a cooler head, he could see that he’d gotten angry far too quickly and hadn’t even asked David _why_ he still wanted the sign up despite hating it so much. David had been upset, genuinely upset, so clearly, Patrick had hit a nerve. 

In his own anger and embarrassment, he had said hurtful things that he didn’t even mean. He’d have to make it up to David somehow. 

________________________

Patrick made it back home much later than he had intended to. It was past midnight and all the lights were off. Around eleven, David had sent him a curt message asking him if he was still coming home, that Patrick had luckily had enough signal to respond to. Other than that, they hadn’t talked, so Patrick was really hoping to do that now. However, when he got to his bedroom, he could see David was already asleep. Or, maybe pretending to be asleep. In the dim light of the hallway, he could just barely make out the unsteady rise and fall of his chest and the crinkle between his brows. David had been staying up, waiting for him to come home. 

Patrick felt even guilter than he had before. He looked down at himself and remembered he was still filthy from his hike, so he decided to take a shower before talking to David. By the time he’d finished and come back into the bedroom, David had actually fallen asleep. Patrick debated whether he should slip into the bed beside him. On one hand, if David woke up in a cold, empty bed, he would probably assume that Patrick was still mad at him. On the other hand, Patrick _knew_ David was mad at him, so he didn’t know if he’d make the situation worse by making David think he was being inconsiderate of his feelings. Before Patrick could do anything, David made the decision for him. 

He had rolled over and attempted to put his arm around Patrick. At his absence, David had woken up and blearily opened his eyes.

“Patrick?” He said thickly, blinking confusedly at him, clearly still half-asleep. “Why’re you up?” 

“No reason,” Patrick quickly replied, and shuffled into their bed. David wrapped his arms around him in a bear hug.

“Missed you,” he murmured, digging his nose into Patrick’s undershirt. “Don’ leave me again.” 

“I would never.” Patrick’s voice wavered a bit as he fought back tears. David just hummed and clumsily petted at his hair, already falling back asleep. Patrick took a deep breath and cocooned himself further into David. Tomorrow, he would deal with the repercussions of his actions. But tonight, he wanted to be selfish and wrap himself in his husband’s arms so he could pretend everything was alright. 

________________________

The next morning, Patrick was the one who woke up to a cold, empty bed. It was David’s day to open early, but usually, he would briefly wake Patrick up with a kiss and let him know he was leaving. Suffice to say, David was still mad at him. Not that he blamed him. 

Patrick quickly showered and got himself ready to go to the store, despite it being his day off. He had quite a bit of groveling to do, and he could start by giving David a proper apology. Meaning chocolates. Also talking things out, but first, chocolates. 

________________________

“Hi.” 

“Hello, welcome to Rose Apothecary- ” David looked up at the sound of the bell, giving Patrick his customer service smile, but it faded from his face when he realized it was him. 

“I brought you chocolate.” Patrick walked in and placed the box on their counter. David looked at it and then back at Patrick, with narrowed eyes, clearly conflicted.

“Can we talk?” Patrick blurted out, instantly regretting his phrasing. 

“I’m clearly working right now.” David definitely wasn’t. Patrick had seen him staring off into space and he’d startled when the bell rang . Also, the store looked immaculate, as if not a single person outside of David had been in it today. Seriously, _how_ were they still in business? 

Patrick shook his head, deciding to revisit that puzzle later. “Right, sorry. Lunch break?” 

David glanced at the clock, his face clouding over when he saw it was almost twelve. So, he was probably looking forward to this conversation about as much as Patrick was. “I guess.” 

“I can pick up lunch. Anything in particular you want?” 

David shrugged. 

Patrick nodded, a little too eagerly. “Okay I’ll just pick up your regular.” David hummed noncommittally and turned his attention to an already perfect looking display. Patrick left the store, a little disappointed. He hadn’t expected David to be nice, but he also didn’t think he’d immediately get the cold shoulder. 

Patrick was quickly in and out of Cafe Tropical, a lunch bag in hand. He awkwardly stood in front of Rose Apothecary, almost hesitant to go in. Feeling foolish for being scared to go into his own store, Patrick tamped down his nerves and walked back in. He flipped the sign in front of the door to Closed, and then looked at David, who nodded and slipped into the back room. 

Patrick followed and set their burgers and drinks down on top of their little lunch table, trying not to think about the fact that the last time they ate together, he’d stormed out of their house in anger, like a child. 

“So.” Patrick waited, looking to see if David wanted to go first. He just received an unimpressed look in response. Fair.

“I’m sorry, David. I shouldn’t have yelled at you and then walked out.” 

“Is that it?” Patrick was a bit taken aback at that response. 

“I’m sorry for not telling you about the sign?” His voice lifted up at the end, making it sound like a question, which just made David look more annoyed. 

“Do you understand _why_ I was so angry about it?” 

“Because I assumed you’d go along with it and didn’t ask for your opinion?”

“That’s part of it. The other reason I’m mad is because that sign is one of the last links my family has left to Schitt’s Creek. And you wanted to get rid of it.” Patrick felt his stomach drop. He was so _stupid_. David’s parents had left just a few months ago, so that wound was still very, very raw. He was well aware that David had abandonment issues, but hadn’t considered that his request would bring them out. 

“David, I’m _so_ sorry. I didn’t even consider that.” Patrick pressed his lips together, trying to think of a way to convince David that he didn’t mean to hurt him like this. 

“I talked to Stevie.” David took a sip of his drink and started unwrapping his burger while Patrick blinked at him, confused by the non-sequitur. 

“Okay?” 

“About us.” David clarified. Patrick’s cheeks reddened. 

“She mentioned the Rachel thing and you not telling me about your parents-”

Patrick interrupted, “David, we moved past those things. What’s the point of bringing them up now?” This just felt unfair. Patrick knew he fucked up and David knew Patrick knew he fucked up, so bringing up all the other ways he’d hurt David seemed cruel. 

“Because!” David exploded, “How many more of these discussions are we going to have before you just _tell_ me things, Patrick?” Patrick swallowed. There it was. They sat in silence for a tense few seconds. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have raised my voice,” David said, quietly. “And I’m not being completely fair. You _did_ tell me about this. I just need you to stop making assumptions about what you think I do or don’t need to know.” Patrick nodded, the lump in his throat making it difficult for him to talk. 

“I’m- ” Patrick floundered. “I don’t really have an excuse for this, David. I’m sorry. I really was trying to do something nice, but you’re right, I really should have talked to you about it first.” 

David softened a bit. “I know your heart’s in the right place, Patrick. I never doubted that.” David reached out a hand, but looked almost afraid, as if he thought Patrick wouldn’t take it. Patrick grabbed it like a lifeline. 

“I’m going to work on myself, okay?” Patrick promised, “I’m going to talk things out with you instead of just assuming what you want. Communication and all that.” 

“Speaking of self-improvement,” David said, looking sheepish, “I’m going to try to stop kvetching over every little thing, as well.” Patrick winced, remembering how he’d yelled at David about how he complained about _everything_. As if he hadn’t known that when he’d married this ridiculous man. 

“You really don’t need to do that. I didn’t mean anything I said, David. I was just embarrassed and lashed out.” 

“No, but you were right! I do complain a _lot_ , and it wouldn’t hurt to tone it down a bit.” 

“Hey,” Patrick reached over and grabbed both of David’s hands. He looked him in the eye and said, “I like you very much. Just the way you are.” 

“Patrick!” David looked at the ceiling, holding back tears. “You can’t just quote Bridget Jones at me in the middle of an already emotional conversation!” 

“I mean it.” David looked back at him suspiciously, still a bit teary-eyed. “You could, however, maybe start going on vendor runs when you’re supposed to?” 

“David pulled back his hands sharply. He sniffed. “Now you’re asking for too much.” Patrick doubled over and started laughing. 

“Don’t laugh at me! The drives are _so long_ , Patrick, and there are far too many cows around for me to feel safe!” 

“Oh, does the fact that they have the same color scheme as you threaten you, David?” David crossed his arms together.

“You _know_ I don’t like cows after that encounter at Elton John’s ranch! Also, did you just compare my one-of-a-kind aesthetic to a _cow_ , Patrick Brewer?” 

Patrick snickered, “Didn’t that cow start licking you because it thought you were one of its kids?”

David gasped. “You take that back!” 

I’m not going to be _cowed_ into eating my words.” 

“Oh my god, who are you, Ted!? That’s it, we’re getting a divorce.” 

________________________

“Well…” Patrick really didn’t have any words for this. 

“This is awful.” David almost sounded surprised. 

“Sure is. There are a lot more details than I expected this close up.” After they’d had lunch and David had devoured half the box of chocolates, Patrick had jokingly proposed walking to the sign for exposure therapy. David had enthusiastically run with his suggestion, for reasons Patrick still didn’t understand.

“Why did you think this was a good idea?” David asked, giving Patrick a judgmental look. 

“I didn’t! I was obviously kidding!” 

“Coming here just burned this awful image even further into my brain, Patrick!” Patrick was pacing around, trying not to look at the sign, but he felt like Moira’s eyes were following him. 

“You’re the one who wanted this; I just reluctantly tagged along.” 

David was scrutinizing the painting closely, instead of looking away and leaving like Patrick wanted him to. “Who do you think Roland commissioned for this? The level of accuracy is uncanny. And those brushstrokes look _so_ familiar.” 

“I have an idea! Hear me out. What if you just _called_ your family instead of staring at this creepy sign of them?” 

“Oh right! I forgot my phone existed.” David pulled it out, and Patrick grabbed his other hand and started dragging him away from the sign. He resisted the urge to look back at the feeling of being watched. Maybe if he got far enough, Mrs. Rose’s eyes would stop following him. 

“You never seem to forget your phone exists when you’re at my baseball games.” 

“I don’t control when my eBay bids start ramping up!” 

“Really, David? During every single one of my games, without fail?” 

“Maybe if you paid more attention to the game instead of me, Ronnie wouldn’t keep beating you,” David delivered that awful blow to Patrick’s self-esteem without even looking up from his phone, adding insult to injury.

“David!” Patrick stopped walking, feeling betrayed. “You know I’m better than Ronnie though, right?” David had continued walking, engrossed by something on his phone, so Patrick ran to catch up. “David, I’m a much better baseball player than her! It’s just a long string of bad luck!” 

“I believe you, honey.” David muttered, his fingers flying over his phone keyboard.

“Are you even listening to me?” Patrick glared at David, affronted. 

“Mmhm, of course.” 

“I’m thinking of pairing that one neon sweatshirt with khakis and crocs for Gwen’s baseball watch party tomorrow. Do you think that would look cute on me?”

“For sure.” 

“Great! You can clear up the sign stuff with Roland tomorrow once the party’s over and you’re picking me up.”

“Wait, what?” 

________________________

“I don’t know, Dave, I’m still kinda confused about why you wanted to mess with the town sign in the first place. I mean, think about how sad your dad would be, if he knew you were trying to take it down while he was gone.” Roland leaned a little too far against his truck and almost fell into the cargo bed.

David breathed in, counted to five, and breathed out. Although he'd accidentally agreed to pick up Patrick, he had definitely _not_ agreed to being accosted by Roland. But it was fine. He’d had dinner at Roland’s house _multiple_ times, so a ten minute conversation was not going to break him. He was going to get through this. And then he was going to commit mariticide the next time he saw Patrick. They’d had a long enough run. 

Once Roland pulled himself back into a standing position, David masked a considerable amount of his disdain and asked, “Um, are you okay, Roland?” 

Roland dusted himself off, and readjusted the toothpick he’d almost choked on. “I dunno, Dave. I feel almost… heartbroken at the idea that you wanted to destroy my going away present.”

“I meant your back. Is your back okay.” David looked around, hoping to get a glimpse of Patrick. Maybe he wouldn’t have to resort to murdering his husband if he rescued him from this conversation.

“Hmm, since you’re asking, it has been giving me some trouble. I mean, I’m not as far up there in years as Johnny, but I’m not the spry, young man I once was. Why, you offering to mow my lawn?” Roland looked at David eagerly. 

“Um, no? Oh my god. Roland, I’m sorry about the misunderstanding regarding the sign, but I think I see Patrick, so I’m gonna go now.” 

“Oh, you do? Where?” Roland craned his neck around, looking for David’s soon-to-be-dead husband who still hadn’t showed up. “You two could mow my lawn together, make it a nice couple’s bonding activity. You don’t want your marriage going stale!” 

“My marriage isn’t going _stale_!” 

“Why do you sound so defensive about it, then? If you’re looking to spice things up, Joce and I host these couples’ parties, and I always see this gorgeous pair of men there who would probably love to take a cute lad like Patrick out for-” Dear lord. 

David cut Roland off before he could finish that horrifying suggestion, “Okay! Patrick will not be doing _any_ of that and-” 

“Doing any of what?” Patrick asked, _finally_ walking over and looking very confused.

“Oh, hey Pat. Dave here was just telling me about how your marriage is stale so I was giving him suggestions on how to spice it up.” Patrick raised his eyebrows and shot David a look like this was _his_ fault.

“Patrick, you’re gonna love Ryan and Richard. They’re _very_ flexible men.” Roland winked, and David did his best not to gag. Patrick was looking more and more horrified with every word he spoke. Not that David blamed him, but he did kind of deserve it for putting both of them in this situation in the first place. “And trust me, I’m speaking from personal experience when I tell you that they’re gonna take you places that you-” Okay, Roland was actively trying to get his husband to have sex with other men, and that was a little too far.

“Oh my GOD, what the actual fuck? Roland, don’t you have anything better to do than harass us?” David asked, protectively pushing Patrick behind him. It was a testament to how freaked out Patrick was that he didn’t even try to stop him from doing so. 

“Okay, okay, jeez.” Roland put his hands up in what he probably thought was a placating manner but what David thought made him look even more punchable than usual. “I’m _sorry_ for trying to help. I guess I’ll go find Joce. You know how ladies are.” 

“ _I_ don’t,” Patrick piped up from behind David. Although David was very proud of how far Patrick had come in embracing his sexuality, this really wasn’t the time. 

“Good _b_ _ye_ , Roland!” David said, grabbing Patrick’s hand and dragging him away before Roland said something that would make David have to fistfight him for Patrick’s honor. The only good thing to come out of this was that in his quest to save (more like destroy) his marriage, Roland had forgotten about the sign all together.

“Bye, Dave! Tell Patrick about my mowing suggestion. And my truck better still be here by the time I get back. Wouldn't want you to take it for another joyride, again.” Roland laughed, full-bellied, and finally, _finally_ left. 

“Ugh!” David angrily shoved his keys into the ignition and started the car. “The _nerve_ of that man. He was literally propositioning you in front of me!” 

Patrick replied, “Apparently, you told him our marriage was stale, so, I can understand why.” 

“I did not! He said that himself, because he’s a gross, old man with nothing better to do than hold sex parties, apparently.” 

“He mentioned something about mowing? I’m almost scared to ask what that means.” 

“It doesn’t even matter anymore. I’m feeling so murderous towards him that you’re off the hook for now.” 

Patrick froze in the middle of putting on his seatbelt. “Um, thanks? Honestly David, your constant threats of homicide are making me feel unsafe. Maybe I _should_ take Roland up on his offer.” 

“What are Ryan and Richard going to offer you that I can’t??” David asked, offended. 

“They probably won’t threaten to kill me all the time. Apparently, they’re also very flexible.” Patrick shuddered. “I really didn’t need to know any of that about Roland. How did you get from talking about the sign to whatever that was?”

“I don’t know! He’s just the worst. Every conversation with him gives me new nightmare fuel. Now do you see why I was so annoyed about having to interact with him?” David asks, giving Patrick a pointed look.

“Unfortunately,” Patrick sighed.

They’d settled into a comfortable silence until Patrick rudely interrupted it. He’d been staring at his phone and snickering periodically, obviously texting Stevie, which never bode well for David. 

After Patrick’s fourth suppressed giggle and subsequent side-eye at him, David snapped. “ _What_?”

“So when were you planning on telling me you stole Roland’s truck?”

Oh no. David growled out, “Patrick, _don’t._ ”

“But I said I’d work on communication, and that’s a two-way street, David!” Patrick stared at him with his annoyingly big, innocent eyes, as if that would suddenly make David forget his husband was a little shit. But two could play at that game.

“Okay, that’s it.” David made a right turn, in the opposite direction of their house.

“Wait, where are we going?” Patrick asked confusedly, craning his neck out the window. 

“I’m taking you to Roland’s place, so that he can tell you the full story, since you’re so curious,” David replied, poker face firmly in place. “Maybe Ryan and Richard will also be there and they can take you off my hands.”

Patrick screeched, “David, NO! You’re joking. You’re joking, right?” He desperately craned his neck backwards, as if trying to get one last glimpse of their home.

David shrugged. He'd turn back around in probably another minute, but he was going to make Patrick sweat first. “Who’s to say?”

“ _David!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very new to this, so I'd love some feedback as to how I'm doing! <3


End file.
